I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
