Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
