it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
