i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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