So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
