i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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