I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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