i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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