I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
