How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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