She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
