hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
