Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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