How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
