haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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