They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
