So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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