Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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