I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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