its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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