if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
