i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
