I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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