I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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