and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
