You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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