If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
