her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
