Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
