dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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