Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
