I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My bed smells like the plague
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
