Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
