Whats the glycemic index on semen?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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