Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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