I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
