So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
