Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
