dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
