I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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