I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
