just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
