I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
