I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
