that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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