Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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