Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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