Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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