bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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