im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
