Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
