I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
