I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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